it must be the madness

People often ask me why I am not infatuated with Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus/Destiny Hope/whatever the hell she calls herself now. They wonder why she is not included in the diverse plethora of artists that I enjoy, from Chris Daughtry to Regina Spektor to Annie Lennox. It seems like everybody loves her and loves her music and will lie about their dead fathers for tickets to see her concerts.

Why don’t I like her? Because she’s one of those fake, manufactured Disney kids. You know who I’m talking about, the ones who start off on some crappy sitcom or movie and, next thing you know, they’re releasing albums and they’re on every talk show and they’re all over the place when they really kind of, um, suck. Hannah Montana, those disgusting High School Musical kids, Hillary Duff, that Raven Symone girl? All of them. I can never get away from them. They’re EVERYWHERE. Disney instantly puts them on top and it’s frankly quite annoying.

Besides the fact that they’re everywhere, they’re always perfect. Has Hannah Montana ever done anything bad? The most scandalous thing about her was that she uses a freaking body double. If I’m ever going to consider liking Hannah Montana, some pretty crazy stuff is gonna have to go down.

First of all, this whole “rescuing a stray dog in front of the paparazzi” stuff is gonna have to end. PUH-LEASE. And second of all, my good friends over at TMZ are gonna have to catch her smoking a joint (which would explain her raspy, manly voice!) and toting a pistol. Next, she’ll have to pull a Jamie Lynn and get knocked up and pull a Britney and go psycho. Oh, and actually releasing some good music would definitely help.

Maybe I’ll like her more after she leaks her sex tape or kills her family or gets addicted to crystal meth, but for now, I am anti-Hannah Montana.