it must be the madness

Dear Mystery Girl,

You don’t know my name, and you probably don’t even remember what I look like.   But I remember you.  I remember that you are cute and funny and blonde and athletic.  You’re not a skinny blonde bimbo, but you’re a strong, athletic, healthy blonde girl.  And I like that.

I see you every day when I walk my sister home from school.  You’re always wearing a t-shirt and athletic shorts and running shoes and you are always carrying your wallet and keys in your hand.  I used to think you were that one kid’s mom, but today there was a stirring revelation when I realized that you only look like you’re 18 or 19, not 30 (it’s hard to tell when I can only see your back).

I don’t know your name or anything about you, but based on my advanced stalking, I can conclude that you are independent and intelligent and loving and HOT!  I tried to take some pictures of you today to show Briana (so that she could finally associate the random “OMFG SHE’S SO HOT” texts that she’s been getting with a real face), but that proved harder than I thought it would be.

This is my first attempt at taking a picture.  I tried the whole “pretend to be talking on the phone and then turn and snap the picture” thing, but it didn’t work out so great.

Besides being upside-down, you’re blurry so you look very wide.  You’re wearing the black shirt and blue jogging shorts.  My next photo wasn’t so great, either.

I’m not a horndog and I wasn’t trying to get a picture of your trunk, I swear!  I was so desperate to get a good picture now that I just randomly tilted my phone up from my usual texting position, and the waist-down business was unintentional.  I am actually a classy sophisticant, not a sex-pig who takes inappropriate pictures.

Yes!  Third time’s a charm.  This one is the money shot.  So I finally did it.  After like, twenty minutes of photographic turmoil, I finally got a good picture to remember you by in case I never see you again.

So, there you have it.  I am hopelessly in love with you.  But, if you think about it, we’ve been though a lot together.  I watched you help that kid put his shoe back on when it fell off, and you helped that other kid when I accidentally shoved him out of the way so that I could cross the street because he was just standing there doing nothing.  In fact, we’ve been through so much that we’re practially dating!  I’m going to call you Holly.  Holly is a nice name.

Love,

Danny

P.S. - I am not a stalker.